Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.

I had amnesia once — or maybe twice.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.

What is a “free” gift? Aren’t all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible… and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and when he grows up, he’ll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

My weight is perfect for my height — which varies.

I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.

The cost of living hasn’t affected its popularity.

How can there be self-help “groups”?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Is it my imagination, or do Buffalo wings taste like chicken?